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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Kooks, Kathy & Kevin

I am RILED up this week. Let’s get down to the prayer ministry. Kooks. That filthy holiday has passed us once again. Halloween. Where adults encouraged their children to dress up as scary creatures and go door-to-door soliciting handouts of candy. Clearly a Democrat creation. Spooky ghosts. Kooky skeletons. It’s…

The 701 Club
Trump, Trump, Trump

I am painfully devoting all of this week’s column to our 45th President. Trump #1. I have been on my knees for that poor woman who lost her husband in Niger. I mean, the name of the country is bad enough on first sight. But to have a President offer…

The 701 Club
Coming Out, Columbus & Creep

I have a few random thoughts to share.  Let us gather on our knees in prayer over these things. Coming Out. From what I understand, today is National Coming Out Day. My best wishes to debutantes across the land on this auspicious day of presentations. Glory! Columbus. Americans across this great country…

The 701 Club
Hefner, Hall & Horror

Now, more than ever, I pray that I may bring some levity into this burdensome week. Hefner. Well, well, well. Adulterating sinner, Hugh Hefner, passed on from this life. Stalwart Christians can look forward to the mansion being prepared for them in Glory. Brother Hugh, however, had his mansion on earth…

The 701 Club
Protests, Products & Primates

Take a knee, Sinners.  Protests. I am repeatedly reminding all of you how often I am on my knees in this ministry. For me, this is an imperative action. Suddenly, football players are doing it during the Star Spangled Banner and Christian white people (Babatists) everywhere are acting as if the…

The 701 Club
Emmys, Emasculations & Embarrassments

Join me on my knees as we pray about the week past. Emmys. Sometimes, I force myself to watch television awards show just to remind myself of the liberal filth in Hollyweird. It’s not so much the boob tube trash being honored, it’s the trashy boobs I have to see on…

The 701 Club
Starbucks, States & Storms

Suit up, Heathens. It’s time to dive into the maelstrom of current events. Starbucks. Well this is just ridiculous. Starbucks, that enterprise of overpriced java, has just hired a new Chief Operating Officer who comes to them from Walmart. (Listen, I don’t care what companies are on your resume, so…

The 701 Club
Judgment, Jackasses & JJ

I have risen to the call for proclamation and offer these statements of faith. Judgment. Every time a natural disaster hits our land, people of faith clamor to find reasons why the Lord has turned his wrath upon us. I get highly irritated, however, when faithless people jump into this…

The 701 Club
Discount, Diana & Deluge

There had better be a uptick in people on their knees this week. It is greatly needed. Discount. Rejoice all ye $30,000 millionaires! Whole Foods, that bastion of high-end food bought by those wanting to feel better than the average Kroger patron, has taken a discount turn thanks to new…

The 701 Club
Pigeons, Pigeons, Pigeons!

I have flown the coop and made this week’s news take flight. Pigeons. I was pigeon-holed into conviction that the Lord’s return was happening on Monday. The scriptures tell us: “The sun will be turned into darkness and the moon into blood before the great and awesome day of the…

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