Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Right Flawless, Right Reverend, Right Winger

The Holy Week is behind us. Let us reflect on these thoughts. Right Flawless. As we have passed another Easter celebration, I simply must comment on the various ways Americans have observed this holy holiday. First of all, I’m bereaved that it fell on April Fool’s Day this year, as if…

The 701 Club
Personals, Padres & Pennsylvania

I have been weeping for America this week.  I’ll begin with lighthearted fare and turn to graver affairs.  Join me on this prayer pilgrimage. Personals. I’d like to talk about the Craigslist. I try to remember that it is a valuable source of online garage sale transactions, apartment locating and bible…

The 701 Club
Science, Scripture & Storminess

Let us get on our knees for these concerns. Science. Famed scientist, genius and wheelchair-bound atheist, Stephen Hawking, came to the end of his life this past week. I would like to honor the scientific wisdom which was bestowed upon this man which allowed him to offer his “theories” on the…

The 701 Club
Designer, Devotion & DeVos

Add these concerns to your prayer list for the week. Designer. Another famous arbiter of wealth and privilege has passed on. French fashion designer, Hubert de Givenchy (Herbert D. Guhvinchee to the common people) went to the fabric store in the sky at the age of 91 this past weekend. Personally,…

The 701 Club
Gropes, Guns & Gals

This week, I offer admonishment, praise and prayers for the wicked. Read on, Sinners. Gropes. Lord a mercy! Some people will go to any length to try to prove something. Consider precious Brother Ryan Seacrest who is being sued by a female former stylist for alleged unwanted sexual advances and gropes…

The 701 Club
Saints, Sanity & Sleep

It’s been an unexpected week of loss.  Loss of saints, loss of sanity and loss of sleep.  Read on. Saints. Let all Christendom mourn the passing of one of the giants of the faith. Brother Billy Graham has passed on to the crusade stadium in the sky at the age of…

The 701 Club
Weird, Warble & Weapons

I go on a week-long ministry on the high seas, and I return to these concerns. Gather you hearts as one, Brothers and Sisters, and let us reflect. Weird. I realize that the Olympics began in Ancient Greece along with many other disgusting practices involving sexual depravity. However, the celebration of…

The 701 Club
All Things Super

While the sodomites watched a parade of exciting commercials this weekend, lesbyterians and normal people watched the activity between the commercials. Here’s what happened. Brady. Poor Tom Brady. The Lord can get so tired of arrogance that He smites the haughty in subtle ways. Desperate to the end, his teammates went…

The 701 Club
Belters, Balls & Balance Beams

It’s time for our collective prayers for the week.  Please bow your heads. Belters.  Lord help.  Did you SEE the filth and degradation on the television this weekend?  You all know that I watch award shows to keep up with the trash in the “entertainment” business.  But Lord help.  The…

The 701 Club
Vileness, Violation & Vikings

The world continues to deteriorate before our eyes and ears.  These things need our prayer. Vileness.  Brothers and Sisters, I am proud to say that I have ministered in many countries across the globe.  Each of them different, interesting, and in need of prayer.  I have seen poverty in Mexico,…

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