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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Resolutions, Ridiculous & Repulsive

The New Year is off to a disgusting start.  Now, more than ever, we need to be on our knees! Resolutions.  We have survived another year and, more importantly, another New Year’s Eve.  The night when all hell seems to break loose, and thousands of seemingly moral people lose all…

The 701 Club
Sister Helen’s Holiest of 2017

Brothers and Sister, as we leave 2017, I’d like to re-share my favorite stories from the past 12 months. I hope this blesses you in a mighty way. Happy New Year! Trouble. God bless the Christians of northeast Alabama. A theater in the town of Henegar has refused to show…

The 701 Club
Censorship, Cessation & Cellulite

During this Christmas season, consider these stories while you trim your tree or bush. Censorship. Our current administration, in a move of unparalleled censorship, has informed the Centers for Disease Control to immediately cease use of seven English words. Praise God that my column doesn’t appear in any CDC publications. Otherwise,…

The 701 Club
Moore, Moore, Moore

I am writing these thoughts without knowing the outcome of the Alabama Senate election. Regardless of the results, these things require fervent prayer. Moore. After casting a vote for Roy Moore, Brother Greg Weston, a 45-year old farmer from Dothan, Alabama, was kind enough to offer his thoughts to the…

The 701 Club
Holy Crap. Holy Father. Holy Spirit.

I bring you all things Holy this week. Holy Crap. I have just returned from the Piggly Wiggly with a fresh supply of popcorn, as the poop show in Washington is getting wilder than a hairdo on a humid day. It is becoming more and more difficult to remember who…

The 701 Club
Complicit, Complicit, Complicit

Let us all pray to receive a new word this week. Complicit. Let me start by discussing 2017’s most often researched word, according to Dictionary.com. The word is “complicit” and it was used so much in media and television this year, the ignorant went running to look it up. Of…

The 701 Club
Heaven, Hell & Heresy

I wanted to take the week of for Thanksgiving, but I simply could not remain silent this week. As you offer thanks this week, please get on your knees about these concerns. Heaven. Let us wail in mourning together! A celebrity of stalwart morals and Christian values has passed on…

The 701 Club
Sharing, Shaming & Shallow

Gird your loins for this week’s prayers and supplications. I hope you’ll join me on your knees about these concerns. Sharing. Let the Heavens rejoice as another Saint has entered Paradise! Famed gossip columnist, Sister Liz Smith, went to her reward this weekend at the age of 94. Now, you…

The 701 Club
Anniversary, Annihilation & Announcement

Prayers are being promised across this land. May we all gather and DO something as one. But for now… Anniversary. Let us reflect. One year ago TODAY (for you who read me on a timely basis) our precious America elected Brother Donald Trump to the highest office in the land.…

The 701 Club
Kooks, Kathy & Kevin

I am RILED up this week. Let’s get down to the prayer ministry. Kooks. That filthy holiday has passed us once again. Halloween. Where adults encouraged their children to dress up as scary creatures and go door-to-door soliciting handouts of candy. Clearly a Democrat creation. Spooky ghosts. Kooky skeletons. It’s…

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