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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Letterman, Leprechauns & Lewdness

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. David Letterman: The dark lord of late night television, Brother Gap Tooth Letterman, has ended his ministry. I’d like to note that Brother Letterman…

The 701 Club
Waco, Weirdos & A Whacko

These are End Times, Brothers and Sisters.  Join me in praying about these recent current events. WacoI received much of my inspirational training at the Great Institution, Jerusalem on the Brazos, known to most sinners as Baylor University. The downside of studying the Word at this sanctified space is having…

The 701 Club
Lawsuits, Listeria & American Losers

Let us join as one, Brothers and Sisters, as we revisit this week’s top stories and editorial filth. Mid America Legalism: God bless Sister Sylvia Ann Driskell, God’s Ambassador in Nebraska. This fine Christian woman has filed suit in U.S. District Court of Omaha against ALL homosexuals. I am not…

The 701 Club
Royal Births, Women Candidates & Christian Camp

The Lord has revealed immense truths to me this week, my dear readers.  May these words be a blessing to you today. Royal Baby: Brother Billy Windsor and his lovely bride, Kate, have revealed the fruits of their latest royal fornication and have brought into this world a baby girl.…

The 701 Club
Bruce Jenner, Attorney General & Ted Cruz

Children of the ministry! Prepare yourselves for this week’s Christian perspective on the news around us. Be ye armed with the truth…or at least my version of it. Praise! Bruce Jenner: I joyfully recall the halcyon days of patriotism which followed the 1976 Olympics. It was a bicentennial year for…

The 701 Club
Pot, Willie Nelson & Lily Pulitzer

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news. Pot: America is simply going to pot. I was in prayer with a woman from my church, Sister Mary Jane, at our Monday morning prayer vigil on 04/20. We as…

The 701 Club
President for 2016, Tax Day & Alyssa Milano

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news. President for 2016: Help me, Lord! It’s only April of 2015, and already the 2016 race for leader of the free world is heating up. More choices to come, I’m…

The 701 Club
Easter, Robert Schuller & Hillary Clinton

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news. Easter: He is Risen!  I am renewed and rejuvenated after celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior this past Sunday. I saw so many familiar faces at church, but…

The 701 Club
Indiana, NSA & Miss Japan

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news. Indiana: HOOSIER Lord and Savior, people? I wish to recognize the lawmakers of the great State of Indiana for their bold move to pass legislation allowing my fellow Christians to…

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