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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Hello, Handsome & Holiday

My ministry never sleeps. Awaken, ye Sinners, to this week’s blessings and offerings of praise. Hello: I keep hearing about this young woman singer who goes by the name of Adele. Poor thing must have come from a poor family to not even have a last name, but I digress.…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Paris, Texas & The World

It has been a week of trials and tribulations. Let us join our hearts as one over these words of comfort and caution from my ministry. Paris: I have been in prayer so long this weekend about Paris, my knees are FLAT! I fear that attacks like these are biblical…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Carson, Cups & Cents

The Lord is moving in mysterious ways this week. Let us join our hearts in prayer over these selected stories of sin. Carson: The Repugnicant Party is ACHING for an “outsider” candidate for President. Someone who is NOT a career politician. These fine Christian people need to be wary for…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Babies, Baseball & Bieber

Gather round all ye peoples and read these inspired thoughts on the world around us. Babies: Let us gather in prayer for the Repugnicant candidates for President. After their most recent televised debates, they were all up in arms about unfair and unorganized questioning on the part of the media.…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Benghazi, Binging & Boo!

Join me in prayer, Brothers and Sisters, as we reflect on this week in the world. Benghazi: Poor Hillary Clinton. She has been given the amazing power to wad people’s panties very tightly. Many fine Christian people watched the Benghazi hearings expecting to see Sister Clinton vilified in a barrage…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Debates, Degenerates & Disrobing

I’ve waded through the muck and filth of this week’s news so you don’t have to. Here is my cleansed outlook on all of it. Debates: Lest I be accused of showing political favoritism, let us turn our eyes to the spectacle of debating Demoncrats this past week. Chiefly, let…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Columbus, Cancer & Coke

It’s been a slow news week, Brothers and Sisters. But, I’m never at a loss for words of comfort and wisdom. May these thoughts be a blessing to you. Columbus: Americans across this great country celebrated Columbus Day this week. Banks were closed. Mail service suspended. Government workers were idle…legally.…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Meetings, Massacres & Mammaries

Hear ye, Hear ye, all ye who are heavy laden with the weight of the world. Let me lift your burden with these opines on all things current. Meetings: I have HAD IT with all this news about the Catholics! I couldn’t care less with whom the Pope did or…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Curtains, Curtains & Curtains

Politics are overwhelming my ministry. Praise the Lord, there are sports figures to ease my burdens. Read and receive a blessing. Curtains: The curtains came down on Sister Fiorina’s campaign for President. No, she hasn’t left the race, but the curtains LITERALLY came down on her during a campaign speech…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Quarterbacks, Quitters & Filth

The Lord has moved in a mighty way, touching me deeply regarding current events. May my musings be a blessing to you as you reflect on the ways of this world. Quarterbacks: Let us all gather in prayer for healing for Brother Tony Romo, quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. His…

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