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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Mountains, Music & Massage

Current events are troubling the masses. Let me bring you up to speed with my take on the following news items. Mountains: Alaska. The biggest state in the US, and yet the least populous. Certainly the state got its fair share of press when it unleashed Sister Sarah Palin upon…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Footlongs, Filth & Football

Sin is rampant in our lands today. It is with great humility that I am able to bring you a Christian perspective on the evils of today. Read and be filled. Footlongs: Let us reflect on the amazing powers of Subway sandwiches and their ability to cause great weight loss.…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Pumpkins, Football & Baseball

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. Pumpkins: Rejoice, ye followers of all things caffeinated. Seattle-based death star, Starbucks, has announced that it will be adding REAL pumpkin to its pumpkin…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Lions, Lynn & A Loser

The news of the week is as diverse as a Pentecostal church casserole. Join me in prayer as I offer my perspective on some important stories. Lions: The interweb has been abuzz over the killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe. A wealthy dentist from Minnesota paid for the opportunity to…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Trousseaus, Trump and Transitions

Brothers and Sisters, I have returned from a lengthy period of spiritual retreat, renewal and rest. As I was afraid, the world has nearly come to a stop in my absence. Let me get caught up on a few things, which have transpired in the last couple of months before I start…

The 701 Club
Letterman, Leprechauns & Lewdness

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. David Letterman: The dark lord of late night television, Brother Gap Tooth Letterman, has ended his ministry. I’d like to note that Brother Letterman…

The 701 Club
Waco, Weirdos & A Whacko

These are End Times, Brothers and Sisters.  Join me in praying about these recent current events. WacoI received much of my inspirational training at the Great Institution, Jerusalem on the Brazos, known to most sinners as Baylor University. The downside of studying the Word at this sanctified space is having…

The 701 Club
Lawsuits, Listeria & American Losers

Let us join as one, Brothers and Sisters, as we revisit this week’s top stories and editorial filth. Mid America Legalism: God bless Sister Sylvia Ann Driskell, God’s Ambassador in Nebraska. This fine Christian woman has filed suit in U.S. District Court of Omaha against ALL homosexuals. I am not…

The 701 Club
Royal Births, Women Candidates & Christian Camp

The Lord has revealed immense truths to me this week, my dear readers.  May these words be a blessing to you today. Royal Baby: Brother Billy Windsor and his lovely bride, Kate, have revealed the fruits of their latest royal fornication and have brought into this world a baby girl.…

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