Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Weird, Warble & Weapons

I go on a week-long ministry on the high seas, and I return to these concerns. Gather you hearts as one, Brothers and Sisters, and let us reflect. Weird. I realize that the Olympics began in Ancient Greece along with many other disgusting practices involving sexual depravity. However, the celebration of…

The 701 Club
All Things Super

While the sodomites watched a parade of exciting commercials this weekend, lesbyterians and normal people watched the activity between the commercials. Here’s what happened. Brady. Poor Tom Brady. The Lord can get so tired of arrogance that He smites the haughty in subtle ways. Desperate to the end, his teammates went…

The 701 Club
Belters, Balls & Balance Beams

It’s time for our collective prayers for the week.  Please bow your heads. Belters.  Lord help.  Did you SEE the filth and degradation on the television this weekend?  You all know that I watch award shows to keep up with the trash in the “entertainment” business.  But Lord help.  The…

The 701 Club
Vileness, Violation & Vikings

The world continues to deteriorate before our eyes and ears.  These things need our prayer. Vileness.  Brothers and Sisters, I am proud to say that I have ministered in many countries across the globe.  Each of them different, interesting, and in need of prayer.  I have seen poverty in Mexico,…

The 701 Club
Around The Globes

Let us prayerfully consider this past weekend’s parade of West Coast filth. Globes.  The beginning of the Hollyweird awards season kicked off the past weekend with the annual Golden Globes.  Truly the most casual of the shows, it is usually a bacchanal of inebriated liberals.  Surprisingly, this year’s dinner was…

The 701 Club
Resolutions, Ridiculous & Repulsive

The New Year is off to a disgusting start.  Now, more than ever, we need to be on our knees! Resolutions.  We have survived another year and, more importantly, another New Year’s Eve.  The night when all hell seems to break loose, and thousands of seemingly moral people lose all…

The 701 Club
Sister Helen’s Holiest of 2017

Brothers and Sister, as we leave 2017, I’d like to re-share my favorite stories from the past 12 months. I hope this blesses you in a mighty way. Happy New Year! Trouble. God bless the Christians of northeast Alabama. A theater in the town of Henegar has refused to show…

The 701 Club
Censorship, Cessation & Cellulite

During this Christmas season, consider these stories while you trim your tree or bush. Censorship. Our current administration, in a move of unparalleled censorship, has informed the Centers for Disease Control to immediately cease use of seven English words. Praise God that my column doesn’t appear in any CDC publications. Otherwise,…

The 701 Club
Moore, Moore, Moore

I am writing these thoughts without knowing the outcome of the Alabama Senate election. Regardless of the results, these things require fervent prayer. Moore. After casting a vote for Roy Moore, Brother Greg Weston, a 45-year old farmer from Dothan, Alabama, was kind enough to offer his thoughts to the…

The 701 Club
Holy Crap. Holy Father. Holy Spirit.

I bring you all things Holy this week. Holy Crap. I have just returned from the Piggly Wiggly with a fresh supply of popcorn, as the poop show in Washington is getting wilder than a hairdo on a humid day. It is becoming more and more difficult to remember who…

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