Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Holy Crap. Holy Father. Holy Spirit.

I bring you all things Holy this week. Holy Crap. I have just returned from the Piggly Wiggly with a fresh supply of popcorn, as the poop show in Washington is getting wilder than a hairdo on a humid day. It is becoming more and more difficult to remember who…

The 701 Club
Complicit, Complicit, Complicit

Let us all pray to receive a new word this week. Complicit. Let me start by discussing 2017’s most often researched word, according to Dictionary.com. The word is “complicit” and it was used so much in media and television this year, the ignorant went running to look it up. Of…

The 701 Club
Heaven, Hell & Heresy

I wanted to take the week of for Thanksgiving, but I simply could not remain silent this week. As you offer thanks this week, please get on your knees about these concerns. Heaven. Let us wail in mourning together! A celebrity of stalwart morals and Christian values has passed on…

The 701 Club
Sharing, Shaming & Shallow

Gird your loins for this week’s prayers and supplications. I hope you’ll join me on your knees about these concerns. Sharing. Let the Heavens rejoice as another Saint has entered Paradise! Famed gossip columnist, Sister Liz Smith, went to her reward this weekend at the age of 94. Now, you…

The 701 Club
Anniversary, Annihilation & Announcement

Prayers are being promised across this land. May we all gather and DO something as one. But for now… Anniversary. Let us reflect. One year ago TODAY (for you who read me on a timely basis) our precious America elected Brother Donald Trump to the highest office in the land.…

The 701 Club
Kooks, Kathy & Kevin

I am RILED up this week. Let’s get down to the prayer ministry. Kooks. That filthy holiday has passed us once again. Halloween. Where adults encouraged their children to dress up as scary creatures and go door-to-door soliciting handouts of candy. Clearly a Democrat creation. Spooky ghosts. Kooky skeletons. It’s…

The 701 Club
Trump, Trump, Trump

I am painfully devoting all of this week’s column to our 45th President. Trump #1. I have been on my knees for that poor woman who lost her husband in Niger. I mean, the name of the country is bad enough on first sight. But to have a President offer…

The 701 Club
Coming Out, Columbus & Creep

I have a few random thoughts to share.  Let us gather on our knees in prayer over these things. Coming Out. From what I understand, today is National Coming Out Day. My best wishes to debutantes across the land on this auspicious day of presentations. Glory! Columbus. Americans across this great country…

The 701 Club
Hefner, Hall & Horror

Now, more than ever, I pray that I may bring some levity into this burdensome week. Hefner. Well, well, well. Adulterating sinner, Hugh Hefner, passed on from this life. Stalwart Christians can look forward to the mansion being prepared for them in Glory. Brother Hugh, however, had his mansion on earth…

The 701 Club
Protests, Products & Primates

Take a knee, Sinners.  Protests. I am repeatedly reminding all of you how often I am on my knees in this ministry. For me, this is an imperative action. Suddenly, football players are doing it during the Star Spangled Banner and Christian white people (Babatists) everywhere are acting as if the…

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