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Browsing: The 701 Club

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church, the arbiter of all that is moral and chaste, shares her perspective on current events. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Why 701? Well, because she’s just a little bit better than that other Christian newscast.

The 701 Club
Strife, Shame & Silence

I am struggling to find my way with this week’s news. I pray that you receive some sort of touch. Strife. The North Korean-American name-calling has reached a fever pitch. Both countries are poised to point nuclear missiles in the other’s direction. Suddenly, echoes of the Cuban Missile Crises are…

The 701 Club
Cocks, Conduits & Culkin

I will be on a high seas ministry next week, so ponder these things until I return. Cocks. The renovations continue at the White House with the most recent installation of a revolving door. Cabinet and staff members who were lauded and praised at their appointments are being tossed out…

The 701 Club
Spicer, Juicer & Bieber

Here are some thoughts to take to your individual prayer closets this week. Please bow your heads. Spicer. With the recent resignation of Brother Sean Spicer as the White House Press Secretary, I would like to offer my sincere condolences to Sister Melissa McCarthy on her resulting unemployment status. Let us…

The 701 Club
Coulter, Caitlyn & Charismatics

I am on fire for the Lord this week. Join me on this journey of Christian admonition. Coulter. Let us gather in prayer for Sister Ann Coulter. This woman has tirelessly worked for conservative causes in this land. How awful, then, the treatment she received recently at the hands of…

The 701 Club
Twenty, Two & One

It’s all in the numbers this week, and it’s not looking good. Take these thoughts to your prayer closet. Twenty. There’s been trouble abroad. The annual meeting of the Group of 20 nations, more commonly known as the G20 Summit, took place last week in Hamburg, Germany. While the leaders…

The 701 Club
Pride, Pastries & Pebbles

It’s been a gay time in our country this past week.  Let us review. Pride. Sodomites and Lesbyterians the world over marched in the streets this past weekend to show PRIDE in their immorality. Disgusting. I mean, I’m PROUD to be a Babatist, but you don’t see us throwing a parade,…

The 701 Club
Heat, Hell & Homo

The fires of hell are lapping at our world. Be ye ready for these signs of the Beast among us. Heat. Sinners throughout the American Southwest are experiencing a heatwave of epic proportions. With temperatures reaching as high as 120 degrees, lives are at risk. I am praying that all…

The 701 Club
Bat Gay, Broadway & Birthday

As we gather our hearts in prayer this week, I pray that you will join me in considering these thoughts. Bat Gay. We’ve lost another one. Brother Adam West passed from this life last week at the age of 88. Regardless of the number of roles he may have had…

The 701 Club
Incite, Ignite & Interpret

Draw near all ye who are heavy laden in these times and share in these biblical interpretations amid our world issues. Incite. Brothers and Sisters, oft times when biblically historical events are re-enacted in present day, the result is seriously misunderstood. If a baby was born in a filthy barn,…

The 701 Club
Foreign Missions

Our prayer life turns to foreign lands this week as we pray about international crises. Israel. Hear, O Israel! The Lord’s return draweth nigh! For you unchurched and unsaved cretins, Christian fundamentalists have long held that the success of Israel will usher in the Second Coming of Christ. This so…

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