Author The 701 Club with Sister Helen Holy

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Meetings, Massacres & Mammaries

Hear ye, Hear ye, all ye who are heavy laden with the weight of the world. Let me lift your burden with these opines on all things current. Meetings: I have HAD IT with all this news about the Catholics! I couldn’t care less with whom the Pope did or…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Curtains, Curtains & Curtains

Politics are overwhelming my ministry. Praise the Lord, there are sports figures to ease my burdens. Read and receive a blessing. Curtains: The curtains came down on Sister Fiorina’s campaign for President. No, she hasn’t left the race, but the curtains LITERALLY came down on her during a campaign speech…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Quarterbacks, Quitters & Filth

The Lord has moved in a mighty way, touching me deeply regarding current events. May my musings be a blessing to you as you reflect on the ways of this world. Quarterbacks: Let us all gather in prayer for healing for Brother Tony Romo, quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. His…

The 701 Club
Pageants, Perry & Pennsylvania

Filth. Corruption. Immorality. This week has had it all. Gird your loins, dear readers, for today’s dive into the cesspool of news. Pageants: Another indication of end times has befallen us on this earth. That bastion of all things ladylike, the Miss America Pageant, took a flying leap off the…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Clerks, Catholics & Quarterbacks

This has been a week of utter chaos in our land. I am preparing for end times as I write this. Sinners everywhere, let us come together and pray over these important happenings. Clerks: I would like to honor a fine Christian Sister who is suffering for her faith. Sister…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Mountains, Music & Massage

Current events are troubling the masses. Let me bring you up to speed with my take on the following news items. Mountains: Alaska. The biggest state in the US, and yet the least populous. Certainly the state got its fair share of press when it unleashed Sister Sarah Palin upon…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Footlongs, Filth & Football

Sin is rampant in our lands today. It is with great humility that I am able to bring you a Christian perspective on the evils of today. Read and be filled. Footlongs: Let us reflect on the amazing powers of Subway sandwiches and their ability to cause great weight loss.…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Pumpkins, Football & Baseball

So much for us to be on our knees about, Brothers and Sisters. Let us turn our hearts in prayer to the news of the week. Pumpkins: Rejoice, ye followers of all things caffeinated. Seattle-based death star, Starbucks, has announced that it will be adding REAL pumpkin to its pumpkin…

The 701 Club
The 701 Club: Lions, Lynn & A Loser

The news of the week is as diverse as a Pentecostal church casserole. Join me in prayer as I offer my perspective on some important stories. Lions: The interweb has been abuzz over the killing of Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe. A wealthy dentist from Minnesota paid for the opportunity to…

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