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Scripted, Scripture & Scribes

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Politics and religion come together in a storm of biblical proportion this week.

Scripted. Yesterday, our President, Notorious D.J.T., spoke eloquently before the general assembly of the United Nations. I say “eloquently” because he stuck to a script, and it was all in complete, grammatically correct sentences. A miracle! Because of this, his words were easily translated into the various foreign languages listening. One might say that, indirectly, Trump Dogg was given the spiritual gift of tongues. Therefore, when Lil’ D spoke these words, “my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country”, every person from every nation laughed out loud. For a long time. In Peace, Joy and Unity. If Trupac is Making America Great Again, it’s going very well. Word.

Scripture. Week 3 of the Kavanaugh Khaos. As more women are coming forth with stories of sexual harassment at the hands (or other body parts) of Brazen Brett, I feel that I must make my own claim. In a bible study 25 years ago, Kinky Kavanaugh began to read from the fourth chapter of the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. By the time he got to verse 5, “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies”, I had had ENOUGH. Now, I would rather burn my Bible than to disparage any of the aforementioned women’s experiences. However, I intend to come forward with MY experience. Because, if these men in power truly hold religion higher than morality, they’ll listen to me! Let us pray.

Scribes. News out of Salt Lake City from the “other gospel of Jesus Christ.” The powers that be in the Moron, er, Mormon Church have excommunicated one of their most loyal members, a certain Brother Sam Young. Certainly not a famous Mormon, so one may ask who he is and why is he important. Let me shed some salty light here. The Church has long conducted “worthiness interviews” of its teenage youth, asking sexually explicit questions to ensure the moral chastity of each young person. Elder Brother Young is now apologizing to those he interviewed in his capacity as a church leader and is advocating for the abolishment of the practice and condemning the Mormon Pharisees and Scribes for this sacred sexual abuse. Ergo (that’s Latin), Brother Young has been silenced and kicked out. I have but one thought here, if Brother Kavanaugh had been a Mormon, we wouldn’t be where we are now, now would we? Paging Mitt Romney.

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Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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