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Preachers, Precedence & Pride

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Bow your heads and pray with me about these concerns.

Preachers. Brothers and Sisters, I have been blessed to minister to the heathen in lands far and wide. Sometime I visit via ocean liner, sometimes via interstate highway and sometimes via air. However, let me be clear, I have always had a standard ship cabin, driven a Honda or flown coach. Therefore, brethren and sistern, it baffles me why some others professing to a valid ministry are obsessed with flying, not only in advanced comfort, but in their own private jets. The latest abomination of this sort is Brother Jesse Duplantis of Louisiana who is beseeching his followers for a $54 million jet. Lord, help.  I just don’t know what is more difficult to handle……that there are those who would give hard earned money to this cause, that Brother Jesse claims that Jesus wouldn’t minister today on a donkey or that CBS News quoted Brother Jesse’s age as 40! Let me say this….I can’t speak to Jesus’ status on a donkey today, but I feel certain that the Lord is going to ride this jackass into hell for greed and lying about his age! Hallelujah!

Precedence. Let us reflect on the freedom to practice one’s religion in today’s society. As a Babatist, not only do I feel free to practice such (even though I don’t need practice), but I also feel a calling to convert the masses to such practice. Still, if I were asked to bake a cake for a couple of sodomites, I’d have a Duncan Hines box and my KitchenAid mixer out faster than white trash heading to Walmart. Not that I support homosecular nuptials, but I’d make that cake looks so homemade and homely those boys would be too ashamed to serve it. Still, the SCROTUMs handed down their supreme decision siding with a Christian baker’s refusal to bake for the blasphemers. Let us be wary now of the precedence this sets for future commercial refusals. Ladies, when you go in to have your hair done for church, be sure to tell your hairdresser you’re going to a Streisand concert instead, or you’ll end up sitting in your pew looking like the bride of Frankenstein. BOO!

Pride. Speaking of sodomites and lesbyterians, let us pray for strength to endure this coming month. Those heathens have cornered the market on the entire month for global celebration of their lifestyles under the title of “PRIDE”. Already, my home base of Dallas has lit the skyline in rainbow colors. Sigh. As a woman of faith, I try to find the good in all situations, so follow my lead and take  the high road. Smile at a sodomite, laugh with a lesbyterian, bide time with a bisexual, transfer funds to a transgender or quip with a queer. And if all else fails, bake somebody a cake! Praise!

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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