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Gropes, Guns & Gals

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This week, I offer admonishment, praise and prayers for the wicked. Read on, Sinners.

Gropes. Lord a mercy! Some people will go to any length to try to prove something. Consider precious Brother Ryan Seacrest who is being sued by a female former stylist for alleged unwanted sexual advances and gropes he made toward said stylist. Now, I have testified for years now that little Ryan was so far back in the closet that you couldn’t see him for the fur storage. So for him to go so far as to pay this woman to sue him for sexual assault so as to somehow prove his heterosexuality….tsk tsk tsk. It saddens me that this young woman is going through this ordeal. As an option, I suggest that Brother Seacrest follow in the footsteps of Brothers John Revolting and Tom CruiseTheBathrooms and dedicate his life to Scientology where any possible sodomite accusers are banished to a galactic confederacy. Take THAT, Xenu!

Guns. I’d like to respond to the news that Dick’s Sporting Goods has, in the wake of so many mass shootings, decided to ban the sale of assault style weapons, such as the AR-15, high-capacity magazines and sales of all other guns to anyone under the age of 21. To this news, let me simply say……I praise God for Dicks. I know that many of you have enjoyed Dicks over the years, and now I find myself on my knees for Dicks in an attitude of thanksgiving. Let us all agree, Dicks just don’t need to have guns to shoot. Praise!

Gals. The latest kerfuffle to beset the White House is, from what I hear, about Brother Trump’s choices of hookers, sluts and hos, and the problems created when one of them resigns. I simply don’t understand why there is so much coverage on these ho picks. Trump picked one ho from Slovenia and actually married her, giving us a ho for a First Lady. And lord knows Trump has paid off other hos he has picked over the years. Yet, I still hear on the radio about ho picks. Ho picks resigning. What will ho picks do now? Who cares? If the last year or so has taught us anything, this administration will hire some other ho and the world will keep spinning. Let us pray.

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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