Saints, Sanity & Sleep


It’s been an unexpected week of loss.  Loss of saints, loss of sanity and loss of sleep.  Read on.

Saints. Let all Christendom mourn the passing of one of the giants of the faith. Brother Billy Graham has passed on to the crusade stadium in the sky at the age of 99. While he never made it to the longevity status of Methuselah, it must be pointed out that his lifelong ministry was devoid of monetary or sexual scandals. Sodomites everywhere are protesting the passing of this man who, in the process of his spiritual journey, said some foolish things about these sinners. Let us chalk it up to his growth as a Christian, shall we? No, Brothers and Sisters, I am FAR more concerned for the salvation of his son, Franklin, who has violated his father’s ministry of saving the lost with a ministry of condemning the fallen, all in the name of his father whose mind was too far gone to even KNOW what was going on! Let us all stand and sing just ONE more verse of JUST AS I AM. 

Sanity. Brothers and Sisters, did you see this? Sister Ivanka Trump has boldly declared that she believes her Father and that he is “telling the truth when he’s denied the multiple sexual misconduct allegations against him over the decades.” Such dedication. Such parental respect. Such faith. In related news, Sister Trump recently had a molar removed and insisted that her dentist give her the offending tooth so that she would get a quarter under her pillow the following morning, knowing full well that it would pale in comparison to the Easter Bunny’s arrival this Spring and the gifts which Santa would bestow upon her next Christmas. 

Sleep. I keep hearing about last week’s CPAP conference which was held in the Washington, DC area. Pundits are going on and on about the conference’s agenda and it’s alignment with the far right. Brothers and Sisters, I know many people who use a CPAP to sleep, many of whom are quite liberal. I daresay that this conference was more about silencing snoring than silencing dissension. I mean, who cares who speaks at this event? People who have apnea need to be open about it so that others may seek treatment. Still, the photos of attendees dressed as Revolutionary War figures baffled me. These heroes didn’t even have electricity, must less a nighttime breathing apparatus! Let us pray.



About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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