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Belters, Balls & Balance Beams

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It’s time for our collective prayers for the week.  Please bow your heads.

Belters.  Lord help.  Did you SEE the filth and degradation on the television this weekend?  You all know that I watch award shows to keep up with the trash in the “entertainment” business.  But Lord help.  The Grammys are always worse than the others in their celebration of all things un-Christian.  Who ARE these sinners?  What happened to Conway Twitty and Anita Bryant.  Now THOSE were singers!  And to make matters worse, the Grammy producers trotted out two Broadway performers which merely egged on the many sodomites present in person and via television.  (Note to Sister LuPone…..do you EVER belt out any hymns??)  Alas, we have a little over a month before the crown jewel of awards shows.  I’m already on my knees to bring comfort to non-nominee, Brother Armie Hammer.  Let us pray.

Balls.  My tolerance for sports is minimal at best.  However, I am just as irritated as a hornet’s nest that the New England Patriots are returning to the Super Bowl.  What a bunch of arrogant reprobates!  The Lord is leading me to a ministry in Minneapolis with an air pump just to ensure that no one empties Brother Brady’s balls this year.  I’ll be more than happy to do that once the game is over.  Praise!

Balance Beams.  Paging Nadia Comăneci.  We need you to bring back some integrity and comfort to the Olympic sport of women’s gymnastics.  I am bereft regarding the number of young women who have recently been vindicated for years of abuse at the hands of Satan himself, Larry Nassar.  Nassar, under the guise of being the team doctor for these young women, subjected them to highly inappropriate proddings and pokings having nothing to do with gymnastic performance.  My prayers continue to pour out for these innocent victims.  As for Larry Nassar, Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler are keeping your seat warm in Hell.

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Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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