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Vileness, Violation & Vikings

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The world continues to deteriorate before our eyes and ears.  These things need our prayer.

Vileness.  Brothers and Sisters, I am proud to say that I have ministered in many countries across the globe.  Each of them different, interesting, and in need of prayer.  I have seen poverty in Mexico, strife in Egypt, luxury in Europe, and boredom in Barbados.  All of these countries had fairly decent bathroom facilities, I’m happy to say.  While I have never been to Norway, and I have no doubt that the bathrooms in Oslo are pleasant, this should not take away other less sanitary principalities.  For instance, I hear India’s public toilets are disgraceful.  Nonetheless, I feel that none of these lands deserves to have their facilities referred to as (Lord, forgive me) shitholes.  Yet, Donny Trump fervently uses this term regarding other lands.  No, Brothers and Sisters, I believe that the only “shithole” of concern is the one which spews forth filth and ignorance in a diarrhea of diatribe from President Trump’s face.  And THAT is something we need to disinfect.  Amen?

Violation.  There was trouble in paradise last weekend.  Apparently, Brother Homer Simpson had a temp job at the Hawaii Emergency Management Agency and decided to set his beer down on a button which inadvertently sent out an emergency warning of imminent nuclear danger in a clear violation of protocol.  Panic rained down on Honolulu, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Jack Lord and Kam Fong appeared naked on a balcony in Waikiki.  Within 38 minutes, assurances were sent that the alarm was false and all was well.  Now, I’m saying Homer Simpson did this, because HEMA is not naming the guilty employee nor are they terminating said person, and I felt the need to fill in the gap.  Let us pray that a similar error doesn’t befall our nation’s capital, lest thousands of citizens risk their lives by rushing to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to ensure that a certain White House gets hit.  Let us pray.

Vikings.  In all my bible study, I’ve never known of a story where Eric the Red and Leif Eriksson defeated Matthew and Mark.  They didn’t even live in the same period of history!  Still, all I’ve heard is that there was a miracle which caused the Vikings to defeat the Saints.  I fear that I need to get on my knees and pray before Martin Luther opens up a can of whoop-ass on Kim Kardashian.  Glory!

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Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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