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Sister Helen’s Holiest of 2017

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Brothers and Sister, as we leave 2017, I’d like to re-share my favorite stories from the past 12 months. I hope this blesses you in a mighty way. Happy New Year!

Trouble. God bless the Christians of northeast Alabama. A theater in the town of Henegar has refused to show the latest Disney trash, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, once it was realized that there is a gay character in the film. Praise the Lord! Theater owners were quoted as saying, “If I can’t sit through a movie with God or Jesus sitting by me then we have no business showing it.” I couldn’t agree more. The Lord told me just last week how much he hated LA LA LAND. Frankly, I think the sodomite character is the LEAST of the film’s issues. I guarantee you that the Messiah wouldn’t be caught dead (again) viewing a film with a love story centered around a woman and a beast! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Immaculateness. Finally, the big cheese at the Vatican has taken an unprecedented step to actually live out the Gospels by serving the poor in a very practical way. Pope Francis has opened a free laundromat in the shadow of the Vatican so that Rome’s indigent population can maintain a shred of dignity by washing their clothes. There is a plan to add showers, a barbershop and medical services in the near future. This is truly an Immaculate Conception. I applaud Brother Francis’ work to Gain favor with the Lord by turning the Tide for All people and give them a Fresh Start, thus bringing Cheer to those who are feeling Down-y on their luck and Wisk them away in a Dash to a Fab life of cleanliness. Amen!

Recovering. Turning to more godly news, country star Loretta Lynn suffered a stroke in her home and has been hospitalized. Although reports are that she is recovering, we need to pray for this Christian woman. Rising from abject poverty to the top of the country charts, Sister Lynn has been a role model for women of faith. Her stalwart submission to her husband was portrayed in her hit, You Aint’t Woman Enough to Take My Man. Her belief in fighting for her family was set to music in Fist City (an oft misinterpreted title). And her commitment to pro-creation touched the hearts of many in the touching ballad, One’s On The Way. When you get on your knees tonight, please remember this fine woman before she has to slur her way through her final song, Tour Bus to Paradise. Praise.

Lebanon. More sadness out of Beirut. The war-torn city in Lebanon will see its very first Sodomite Pride event this week. How much more can this city endure? Let me be clear. It is not the prospect of Middle Eastern men parading their sin in the streets. Oh, no. It is the specter of the WOMEN, some from as far as Portugal, coming to Beirut to express their same sex love in public. After all, this will fly in the face of years of education teaching Christians the difference between Lesbian and Lebanese. Now, the two shall meet in a parade of Lebanese Lesbians Liberating Libidos and Labias from as far as Lisbon. Lord, help us lick this!

Coulter. Let us gather in prayer for Sister Ann Coulter. This woman has tirelessly worked for conservative causes in this land. How awful, then, the treatment she received recently at the hands of Delta Airlines. Sister Ann had spent her meager earnings on a $30 upgrade which would guarantee her an exit row seat with extra leg room for her shapely hooves. How egregious then was the fact that Delta gave her seat away to a less deserving cow. Let us note that Sister Coulter still retained an exit row seat, but I digress. I’d like to make a couple of points here. First of all, Ann Coulter in COACH? Secondly, poor Ann tweeted that Delta “snatched my ticket out of my hand.” I believe that the real story is that Delta “handed her snatch a ticket.” Hallelujah!

Pigeons. I haven’t heard such fuss over statues since the last Babatist tour group to hit the Vatican. Having been a Southern Christian my entire life, I have long known the reverence of Confederate heroes. And quite frankly, the bronzes of these icons dotting the landscape in this land have become mere parkland furniture in my eye. However, the Lord has spoken to me about the ill impact these monuments are making on those whose Civil War experience was outside the main house. Therefore, in a Spirit of Reconciliation, I am praying that the Lord will send flocks of diarrhea laden pigeons to roost on these statues, thus rotting the bronze into a molten pile of bird dookie. Praise the Lord!

Judgment. Every time a natural disaster hits our land, people of faith clamor to find reasons why the Lord has turned his wrath upon us. I get highly irritated, however, when faithless people jump into this moral judgment. In the midst of the suffering of the people of Houston, the equine beauty better known as Ann Coulter has galloped forth to suggest that Hurricane Harvey is the result of lesbian forces. To be more specific, she has trotted out this idea as a more credible alternative to climate change. Well this is just horse poop! Yes, Houston elected a lesbyterian mayor, but she is no longer in office. Surely, if the Lord was going to punish for such a civic abomination, He wouldn’t have been so slow to react. No, if we are going to saddle up and accept Sister Coulter’s suggestion, I posit that the only cause and effect of lesbians on this storm would be the ones who work for Home Depot and might benefit from an uptick in business. Hello, Wilbur!

Protests. I am repeatedly reminding all of you how often I am on my knees in this ministry. For me, this is an imperative action. Suddenly, football players are doing it during the Star Spangled Banner and Christian white people (Babatists) everywhere are acting as if the NFL had installed American flag toilet paper in the restrooms! Let us be clear, there are things that are done by many Americans which irritate the poop out of me. But men and women have DIED in wars to defend this country’s citizens the right to express themselves in full freedom whether I like it or not. ESPECIALLY if such expression in no way threatens the life of another. It stands to reason, therefore, that if some people are merely kneeling during the national anthem in order to protest perceived lack of liberty, my fellow Christians feeling religious oppression ought to be lying prostrate on the 50-yard line by the time they get to “the dawn’s early light”!

Creep. Media mogul Harvey Weinstein has been busted for years of sexual harassment of women in Hollywood. What a creep. While my heart hurts for his victims, I simply can’t overlook the fact that the majority of these encounters took place in the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. Apparently Brother Harvey has tried to get one too many starlets to play with his own little “peninsula”, a visual which gags me like a bent toothbrush. I’m planning a mission trip to the Hills of Beverly with a crowbar and some Elmer’s Glue so I can reverse a couple of letters on the hotel’s name. “Welcome to the Penisnula”! Praise!

Kevin. I have been proclaiming this for years. Kevin Spacey reminds me of a pervert. Imagine my utter surprise when it was confirmed this past weekend. Blessed Brother Anthony Rapp, comes forward to painfully admit that Kevin the Pervin seduced him when little Rapp was a mere 14 years old. PEDOPHILE! And NOW, John Wayne Spacey takes THIS opportunity to announce that he chooses to be gay? CHOOSES?? Your CHOICE was to go after a 14-year old boy, which has nothing to do with your INNATE orientation. This all makes me wonder, did you PAY IT FORWARD with Haley Joel Osment too? Listen, Sissy Spacey……you may have been able to keep up your façade for years now, but your HOUSE OF CARDS is coming down fast. And I’ll wager that no sodomite or lesbyterian contractor in this world has any interest in building it back up. Somebody say AMEN!

Hell. Now on to a death of lesser glorification. Brother…no, I can’t call him that…Charles Manson was finally taken into the underworld. I like to think that our Lord and Savior can redeem even the vilest of sinners, but Charlie was just beyond salvation. Having masterminded the killing sprees of 1969 in the hills of Hollywood, his lack of remorse remained to his last breath. The man even LOOKED evil. While I was disgusted by Sister Tate’s character in that filthy VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, there is no reason on God’s green earth why she should have suffered at the hands of the Manson followers in such a grotesque way. In light of Charlie’s legacy here on Earth, I daresay that Lucifer himself met Manson at the gates of Hell saying, “Welcome. I’ve always admired your work. Hitler is anxious to meet you.” Let us pray.

Moore. Praise the Lord for Christian women and Godly wives. Brother Roy Moore’s much younger wife (he met her when she came to his door selling thin mints) has come to her husband’s defense regarding claims of his racism. Glory to God, she has set the record straight. Roy Moore is no racist! One of their attorneys is a JEW. I’m so glad that has been settled. However, I fear that the Moore’s diversity team limits stop there. There are certainly no gays in their circle. After all, I can take one look at Sister Moore and readily assure you that she does NOT have a sodomite hairdresser. Save us, Lord!

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Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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