Censorship, Cessation & Cellulite


During this Christmas season, consider these stories while you trim your tree or bush.

Censorship. Our current administration, in a move of unparalleled censorship, has informed the Centers for Disease Control to immediately cease use of seven English words. Praise God that my column doesn’t appear in any CDC publications. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that I feel vulnerable about the entitlement of the government to wrangle diversity from an organization which offers evidence-based and science-based findings regarding a fetus which might produce a transgender baby. Instead, I’d have to say that I feel naked about the privilege of Trump to pull variety from the intelligent and reasonable research at the CDC about a possible embryonic Caitlyn Jenner. And that just doesn’t have the same punch! Let us pray.

Cessation. The interwebs seem to be abuzz about the cessation of something called net neutrality. I’m so confused. I had initially thought that hair nets and fish nets were going to now have to declare a party affiliation, and I didn’t want some Demoncratic hair accessory to pull my wig too far to the left! Upon further research, I learned that this now means that all manner of content on the world wide spider web is now subject to control by corporations and money makers. The very idea that I might have to pay a fee to access Bible.com is akin to an unwanted online tithe. Or, some service provider can throw the brakes on their download speed unless one pays to have it lifted. Why don’t we all just go back to AOL dial-up and pray that someone doesn’t call during a download? Still, it does my heart good to know that some sodomite in Dubuque may now have to wait a few minutes longer before somebody’s full monty appears on the screen. Praise!

Cellulite. Brothers and Sisters, there is a business opportunity for just about everything out there. I have just read that there is now a resort in the Bahamas specifically designed for plus-sized people. Poolside lounge chairs are steel reinforced, beds are fully supported and all meals are buffet style. Moreover, the resort can only be rented out to groups only of no more than 28 people so that there is no chance of skinny snickerers amid the Rubenesque. Visitors have already praised the fact that they can enjoy pool time and wearing a bikini without fear of judgment. Glory to God for this safe haven for the well fed. I pray that I never feel the need to personally utilize this resort. I’m also praying about bikinis from Lane Bryant. Mercy!



About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

Comments are closed.