Protests, Products & Primates


Take a knee, Sinners. 

Protests. I am repeatedly reminding all of you how often I am on my knees in this ministry. For me, this is an imperative action. Suddenly, football players are doing it during the Star Spangled Banner and Christian white people (Babatists) everywhere are acting as if the NFL had installed American flag toilet paper in the restrooms! Let us be clear, there are things that are done by many Americans which irritate the poop out of me. But men and women have DIED in wars to defend this country’s citizens the right to express themselves in full freedom whether I like it or not. ESPECIALLY if such expression in no way threatens the life of another. It stands to reason, therefore, that if some people are merely kneeling during the national anthem in order to protest perceived lack of liberty, my fellow Christians feeling religious oppression ought to be lying prostrate on the 50-yard line by the time they get to “the dawn’s early light”!

Products. Allow me a moment of merchandising. In response to the recent increase in kneeling in this land, I have created my own personal knee pad kneelers to ensure comfort in one’s peaceful protests. In addition to these public displays of resistance, they bring comfort to all activities done on one’s knees. Won’t you consider purchasing one of these fine products for you, your loved ones, or your favorite tight end? I have provided a photo of one above. They are available for $20.00 (including shipping) via private message to me at www.facebook.com/helen.holy. You’ll be glad you did.

Primates. World-renown Primatologist, Jane Goodall, has spent her life studying the behavioral patterns of chimpanzees. Using her 50 years of experience, Sister Jane has made a stunning observation of the correlation between aggressive chimps and our esteemed President. While many chimps exhibiting the same kind of attention-getting behavior seen from the White House will quickly rise to dominance (much like Donny’s quick ascent to power), her studies have shown that it is these same chimps who are quick to fall from the lofty treetops first. Brothers and Sisters, if Sister Goodall’s dedication to her science is even HALF of my knowledge of scripture, I am heading to the Piggly Wiggly to have a crate of bananas delivered to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Chiquita!



About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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