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Starbucks, States & Storms

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Suit up, Heathens. It’s time to dive into the maelstrom of current events.

Starbucks. Well this is just ridiculous. Starbucks, that enterprise of overpriced java, has just hired a new Chief Operating Officer who comes to them from Walmart. (Listen, I don’t care what companies are on your resume, so I clearly do not think that Starbucks is now going to become a discount coffee shop.) If one is going to operate a coffee maker, one needs a coffee brewer. Correct? The new COO is named Rosalind Brewer. BREWER! Now, corporate boards across America are going to be on the lookout for more pun-induced hires. Perhaps, General Motors will employ Minnie Driver as their next COO. Or General Mills will court Herman Miller. And the list goes on. Good Grief.

States. Another annual parade of sluts has come and gone. The Miss America Pageant was held this past Sunday (SUNDAY!) in Atlantic City, where tramps from every state showed their stuff before a live audience of fat women, sodomites and bored family members. Personally, I feel that Stevie Wonder must have served as a preliminary judge, but I digress. As always, a bit of drama ensued. Talent was a term used very loosely. Swimsuits should never be made of gold lame. And Miss Texas, always a strong contender, showed her true colors during her onstage question as she reduced Brother Trump to rubble in a mere 15 seconds. Through it all, the winner emerged from the barren lands of North Dakota, a first for that state. Somewhere, Sister Peggy Lee is cheering for her home girl. Praise!

Storms. Once again, we must pause for prayer as the Lord has rained down water and winds on the globe. The entire state of Florida was subjected to the forces of evil named Irma. While those affected by this hurricane await aid and comfort from secular organizations, fine Christians everywhere will be gathered to pray in supplication for an answer as to why these disasters occur. The usual suspects will be the gays, the liberals, the godless and/or Democrats. Brothers and Sisters, I don’t ascribe to any belief that such cataclysms are God’s retribution for any named shortcomings. HOWEVER, if I must. I simply wonder if the Lord has had it with this current administration and has brought on these disasters to test its Christian resolve to help those TRULY in need rather than praying that the rich be spared. Amen?

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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