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Judgment, Jackasses & JJ

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I have risen to the call for proclamation and offer these statements of faith.

Judgment. Every time a natural disaster hits our land, people of faith clamor to find reasons why the Lord has turned his wrath upon us. I get highly irritated, however, when faithless people jump into this moral judgment. In the midst of the suffering of the people of Houston, the equine beauty better known as Ann Coulter has galloped forth to suggest that Hurricane Harvey is the result of lesbian forces. To be more specific, she has trotted out this idea as a more credible alternative to climate change. Well this is just horse poop! Yes, Houston elected a lesbyterian mayor, but she is no longer in office. Surely, if the Lord was going to punish for such a civic abomination, He wouldn’t have been so slow to react. No, if we are going to saddle up and accept Sister Coulter’s suggestion, I posit that the only cause and effect of lesbians on this storm would be the ones who work for Home Depot and might benefit from an uptick in business. Hello, Wilbur!

Jackasses. The last vestiges and wheezings of the old white men in the Baptist Church gathered last week in Nashville for an asthmatic meeting of failing minds. After their 1987 “statement” concerning the influx of secular feminism on the traditional male/female marital roles, these men have now issued an updated “statement” regarding homoseculars and those who love them. In light of the location of this gathering, the proclamation was unoriginally christened “The Nashville Statement”. Now, much more enlightened Christians from all over this country have distanced themselves from this proclamation and have downright spoken in direct contrast to its content. Brothers and Sisters, let me prophesy that these last desperate breaths of decrepit bigotry will be used to blow what’s left of the OLD Baptist faith like dust off an altar. Praise!

JJ. Let us turn our gaze towards someone who is truly acting like a Christian. Brother JJ Watt, that giant, imposing, towering and massive defensive end for the Houston Texans, has raised almost $20 million in Hurricane Harvey relief for the people of his fair city. Just the image of his imposing frame towering over the less fortunate, his massive arms carrying supplies to the needy and his tender lips speaking words of comfort has driven me to my knees in thanksgiving. I am planning a mission trip to Houston to personally anoint Brother Watt with oil for his work and offer my gift of tongues in praise of his ministry. Alleluia!

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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