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Pigeons, Pigeons, Pigeons!

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I have flown the coop and made this week’s news take flight.

Pigeons. I was pigeon-holed into conviction that the Lord’s return was happening on Monday. The scriptures tell us: “The sun will be turned into darkness and the moon into blood before the great and awesome day of the Lord comes.” I guess that, since the moon didn’t bleed, the sun’s darkness was just a scare tactic used by the Lord to get our attention. Eclipsing this fact, I know that many turned their gaze towards the heavens much like Saul of Tarsus on the road to Damascus (look it up!). While I can’t predict how many conversions took place this week, I’m predicting a run on optometrists in the coming days. Let there be LIGHT!

Pigeons. We lost another great Hebrew this past week with the death of Brother Jerry Lewis. A sinner like all, Brother Jerry became rather cantankerous in his later years. And while I don’t’ want to make any comments about the Babatist belief on Jews in Heaven, let us remember the good deeds of this man here on earth. In addition to decades of laughter, his work raising money for and awareness of Muscular Dystrophy was Godly in every way. Excepting, of course, some of the acts on his telethons. There has truly been no greater sin that Lainie Kazan’s gold lamé interpretation of “Copacabana” on a Jerry Lewis telethon in the 1980s. But I digress. Assuming that Jerry made it to the Pearly Gates, I shudder at the thought of him in a pigeon-toed run after St. Peter, yelling “HEY LADY”! Amen.

Pigeons. I haven’t heard such fuss over statues since the last Babatist tour group to hit the Vatican. Having been a Southern Christian my entire life, I have long known the reverence of Confederate heroes. And quite frankly, the bronzes of these icons dotting the landscape in this land have become mere parkland furniture in my eye. However, the Lord has spoken to me about the ill impact these monuments are making on those whose Civil War experience was outside the main house. Therefore, in a Spirit of Reconciliation, I am praying that the Lord will send flocks of diarrhea laden pigeons to roost on these statues, thus rotting the bronze into a molten pile of bird dookie. Praise the Lord!

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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