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Cocks, Conduits & Culkin

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I will be on a high seas ministry next week, so ponder these things until I return.

Cocks. The renovations continue at the White House with the most recent installation of a revolving door. Cabinet and staff members who were lauded and praised at their appointments are being tossed out like porn at a Pentecostal tent revival. Recently, we prayed for Brother Sean Spicer upon his exit as communications director. His replacement has certainly brought color to the House of White. Shattering all Italian stereotypes, Brother Anthony Scaramucci has painted this administration with his colorful and confusing language. I say confusing, because I don’t understand his obsession with certain barnyard birds. Why would Brother Priebus be blocking roosters? Are they really in anyone’s way? And what of Brother Bannon? I find it odd that he would have a pet rooster, but he wants to suck the bird’s feathers, who am I to judge? The true blessing here is that that foul-mouthed Italian has already been shown the revolving door and we can get our minds off of barnyard fowl. Glory!

Conduits. Let me state right here at the front, I do not understand this whole transgender thing. The idea that the Lord made any plumbing mistakes when creating his children baffles me. However, I have been known to misspell scriptures while watching religious programming on the television so, for the sake of argument, I’ll accept that God might have uttered “oops” a few times while multitasking. To that end, why must these Brothers and Sisters (you know who you are) be punished for expressing their true selves? If I’m in the ladies room, I don’t give a wooden nickel what conduit is emptying your bladder as long as I see a pair sensible shoes in the stall next to me. Moreover, why ban these souls from serving in the military? I hate war, but in the event that it happens, I’d prefer someone with any hormonal irregularity to take out their irritations on our potential foes. Onward Christian Soldiers!

Culkin. With the recent passing of Brother John Heard, I have been reflecting on one of his most well-known film roles as the father in HOME ALONE. Consequently, my thoughts also turned to precious Macaulay Culkin of the same film. So sad that all that innocence grew up to be a troubled soul with the appearance of death knocking at the gates of hell. However, the Lord has smiled upon Brother Culkin and renewed his health and image. As a chaste Christian woman, I am never one to have lust in my heart. However, these resulting improvements in Macaulay’s look have me praying for an opportunity to be home alone with him and on my knees for his edification. Hallelujah!

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Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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