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Foreign Missions

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Our prayer life turns to foreign lands this week as we pray about international crises.

Israel. Hear, O Israel! The Lord’s return draweth nigh! For you unchurched and unsaved cretins, Christian fundamentalists have long held that the success of Israel will usher in the Second Coming of Christ. This so called Christian Zionism is the driving force behind conservative Christians’ support of Israel. And now, these Christians’ High Holy Hero, Donald Trump, is descending upon Jerusalem this week. Oh, Glory! Surely this will hasten the end times! Yea, even I am praying the Lord return this week through the Eastern Gate. Triumphant. To gather the faithful into paradise. And Dump Trump on his Rump in the awareness that he has been Left Behind. Alleluia!

Lebanon. More sadness out of Beirut. The war-torn city in Lebanon will see its very first Sodomite Pride event this week. How much more can this city endure? Let me be clear. It is not the prospect of Middle Eastern men parading their sin in the streets. Oh, no. It is the specter of the WOMEN, some from as far as Portugal, coming to Beirut to express their same sex love in public. After all, this will fly in the face of years of education teaching Christians the difference between Lesbian and Lebanese. Now, the two shall meet in a parade of Lebanese Lesbians Liberating Libidos and Labias from as far as Lisbon. Lord, help us lick this!

Zimbabwe. And now to Africa. Long a destination for fine Christian people to prove their dominion over the beasts of the field through expensive safari hunts, news has come that one of these hunters has met his demise by a beast who’d simply had enough. Brother Theunis Botha was walking with some other hunters when they came across a group of breeding elephants. Reflect on that visual. The elephants became highly irritated at this invasion of privacy (Wouldn’t you??) and charged Brother Botha and his fellow dominionites. In an effort to prove his dominion over these large beasts, Botha fatally shot one. However, in a rare twist of beastly vengeance, the elephant fell upon Mr. I-Shall-Have-Dominion-Over-All killing him in the process. Let us therefore surmise that there is an elephant den somewhere in Zimbabwe with a Botha head mounted proudly on the wall, and an elephant posting photos of the prize on Dumbo’s Facebook page. Glory!

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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