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Sodomites, Sluts & Sayanoras

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What a filthy week we have endured. Don’t believe me? Get on your knees about all of THIS!

Sodomites. Lord help us. The “Big Bang” sodomite, Jim Parsons, has a “Big Shebang” in New York City this past weekend where he married his fornication partner of 14 years, Todd Spiewak. Praise the Lord that this debauchery did not occur in a city where there are ACTUALLY any Christians. Such filth. Of COURSE the ceremony took place at The Rainbow Room. How gay can you get? Nonetheless, let us give thanks that his name is “Parsons” and not “Preachers.” A Preacher is what you find in a godly Babatist Church, whereas a Parson ministers to Episcopalians, and we all know they’re drunks on a slippery slope to hell anyway. Glory!

Sluts. The annual Miss USA Pageant was held over the weekend in Lost Wages, Nevada. Miss USA, you’ll remember, has NOTHING to do with the Christian women of Miss America. No, Miss USA is a far more slutty display of glitter, the winner of which advances to Miss Universe. Miss UNIVERSE! That’s an arrogant title. I’m sure the beauties of other planets are feeling short-changed for not being included in this inter-galactic display of cleavage, but I digress. Let us recall that Donald Trump is a former owner of this cavalcade of flesh. So it really comes as no surprise that this year’s winner, Sister Kara McCullough, is from Washington, D.C. And when asked if healthcare was a privilege or a right, this fine young African American woman robotically proclaimed that it is indeed a privilege, in keeping with this current administration’s talking point. What a blessing then that Kara was able to say to millions of others on television that they don’t get healthcare unless they are “privileged.” To which many from her community have exclaimed, “Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That!”

Sayanoras. Speaking of The Donald, a new lesson has emerged from his reign. Verily, I say unto you, let no one investigate him or question his actions, lest they be immediately released from their duties. FBI Director James Comey had the nerve to issue a statement which contradicted the Donald’s talking points about Russian interference, causing Brother Trump to immediately fire little Jimmy from his position. To paraphrase the words of a young Christina Crawford, “If Mommy doesn’t like you, she cuts you out of her life.” As a result of such rash decision making, White House Spokesman, Sean Spicer, was driven from his office out into the bushes of the White House (not THOSE Bushes) in order to hide from reporters. Isn’t this exciting? I’ve stocked up on Jiffy Pop in anticipation of the next chapter in this entertaining saga. Join me, won’t you?

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About Author

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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