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The 701 Club: Scotland, ISIS & Apple

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sisterhelenholy

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Scotland: I have been in prayer about the recent vote in Scotland on whether or not they would remain as a part of the United Kingdom. Now, CLEARLY, the only Kingdom on my mind is a heavenly one, but I digress. Praise the Lord that this country will remain in the UK. Any land where men wear skirts simply MUST remain under the control of a Queen. Let us rejoice.

ISIS: I keep hearing about the threat of ISIS. Scripture, in the Ten Commandments, clearly instructs us to have no other god before God. Therefore, as far as I’m concerned, the threat of some Egyptian deity whose only other claim to fame was a Saturday morning television show in the 70s is simply unscriptural. Zephyr winds which blow on high, INDEED!

Apple: We in the church simply must take a lesson in marketing from Apple. When the Lord returns, I intend to bill the rapture as the release of a new iPhone upgrade. It is apparently the only way to get the multitudes to get in line for anything. Praise!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Babtist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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